The Heart of the Matter

Well, I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately...you know trying to figure out what I can do to make sure things are going right in my life. I have been trying to figure out how I'm gonna deal with all of the things I have piled on to my plate, I need to work on planning to use my time more wisely...free time is my worst enemy I've decided. I feel so scatter-brained at times, because so many things are going through my mind at once. I used to worry about everything, but i find this strange sense of detachment to everything, sort of like I'm some spectator in someone else's life. I try to make it matter, but I can't help feeling that none of it matters anymore. I mean, I'm not like depressed, I just keep getting bored...with everything. I mean I really like DC, my office, and the program overall, and yet, I feel this sense of complete, and utter boredom about the daily grind. This is the reason I can't keep an exercise routine, doing the same thing everyday..or even seeing the same place is so UN-inspiring...I just lose the desire to do it anymore. i need to join a group or something, being on a team worked for me in high school. Its something I'll look into.

I've also been thinking about my relationship status: I wonder sometimes, why are we doing this, yet again? but then I talk to her or think about her and my day gets brighter. I'm so lost...I want her, but I sometimes wonder why...is it because I truly love her? is it because she is familiar? I do believe that I truly love her...but could that just be me trying to justify how I've treated her? IDK...I'm trying not to stress about it...but it just got harder not to think about it...she got her official acceptance to Sister School yesterday...I'm excited, and yet...I wonder how things will be when she is finally in the same town as me all the time.

Anyway, I have to tell y'all about this odd dream I had the other night, I answer my phone and it is my mother, she tells me my father has cancer...and its the final stages. I start crying as I try to buy a plane ticket home, I finally get home...I'm guessing I've been crying this whole time, b/c I'm next in the house and it's just Helly-belly lying on the bed crying...so I go pick her up and find Ryphat and Rae-rae, they both look like they haven't stopped crying in several days, there aren't anymore tears left...just dry sobbing...and then my mother wheels my dad out into the room with us...and he just looks so pitiful...he has all kinds of like scars and bruises...and he just doesn't look like the giant I grew up looking up at...I just started crying again...but literally sobbing...and just as he speaks I guess I was starting to cry for real...because I made some sound that woke me up...I stayed up the rest of the day...and I could feel the tears well up as I wrote this...so at this point I gotta go....a brighter note later on...I'm gonna call my dad, and tell him that I was thinking about him...and that I love him...you should too!! :')



India.arie - The Heart Of The Matter lyrics

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
[ The Heart Of The Matter lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore