Tagged...yet, again.

So, I guess it's about time to start blogging again...and to start off...I'll make this list that I was tagged to do by Dbaby, and TGITG. I'm guessing that I am supposed to just list some random things about myself...IDK, really, but that's what it'll be.

7. I am really good at giving advice, but I'm horrible at following my own advice...hell, I rarely follow any advice...

6. I am a little lost now that I'm not basically the smartest person I know...it's kinda scary.

5. I sometimes wonder why my friends still bother to deal with me...I've realized I'm a mean ass bastard

4. I really feel torn about how to feel about being a virgin at 20...damn-near 21...especially when I'm closest to the folks who aren't virgins in my group...I hate feeling left out of the convos

3. I really Have NO clue what I'm to do in life...I see so many paths...but no clear roads...

2. I have damned food addiction...I'm seriously thinking that I might.

1. I like drinking, but i don't wanna...I'm scared I may be a worse parent than the ones I've seen...and I feel like alcohol will be the end of my "bright future" as folks like to call it...

WHY is this my life?

I am swamped with school, I just thought of a topic for my paper that is due on thursday(after weeks spent looking through sources), I am so BROKE...but Friday is pay day. and this is the final full week fo school, so I have a couple of weeks to get my life together and eeek out an acceptable GPA!

In other HORRID news, I failed a course required for my major, I withdrew, so it's no problem of bringing down my GPA but, and here's the kicker, I have to take 15 hours each semester to keep my scholarship...I'm only taking 12 hours now...but if i had stayed in the class and failed I would've been in worse condition...so WHAT am I TO DO?? Can't really stress about it now.

Also, I think I may be in trouble as far as grades go anyway, because of my spotty attendance! I REALLY HATE GOING TO THIS TINY SCHOOL at times! why do we have to have attendance policies? if I don't feel like going to class that should be my prerogative!

but other than that, life is great! lol, I can't even take myself seriously saying this....since this is my life...and it's SCREWED up...my life is, in essence, screwed up! HELP ME!!!

Sometimes

This is inspired by a post I saw on The Baby Daddy Diaries.

Sometimes...I feel like a nut.
Sometimes...I don't.
Sometimes...I just wanna quit.
Sometimes...I wanna cry.
Sometimes...it's too hard.
Sometimes...I just have to laugh at it.
Sometimes...I wonder why.
Sometimes...I don't feel like answering the phone.
Sometimes...I just don't care.
Sometimes...I get sick of everyone.
Sometimes...I get sick of everything.
Sometimes...I want to be alone.
Sometimes...I'm overjoyed!
Sometimes...I need you around.
Sometimes...I feel undeserving of the blessings.
Sometimes...I just need to be myself.
Sometimes...I need to realize my own limits.
Sometimes...I care entirely too much.
Sometimes...I long for the days when I was carefree.
Sometimes...I smile for no (apparent) reason.
Sometimes...I need help.
Sometimes...I want to give up and go home.
Sometimes...I feel like a failure.
Sometimes...I feel so LOST!
Sometimes...i pray it through.
Sometimes...I feel so confused.
Sometimes...I feel like me...a blogger called Bobby_2010...

Whew!! Glad the wait is over!!

Y'ALL!!! I have been going through! Being broke is no joke, but it is made all the worse when you are owed money by someone who has it and refuses to give it to you! Well, that was my life dealing with this freakin' school, waiting on this refund!! It was a saga! I was promised it Thursday, then I gave them until Friday evening...and was on edge all of Saturday, and Sunday....OH, Sun-DAYEEEE...I was ready to head to the top of the parking deck and JUMP!!! I really was so over life at that point! But that has all changed, I FINALLY got my DAMN money today! and in the words of the notorious The Artist, "Imma poarty, and Imma eat!" Seriously...with Homecoming around the corner..I need Shoes, a new suit, and I have pay for tickets to all of the shit and I also have to buy plane tickets and play tickets(I'm going to see WICKED!!!)and a whole bunch of other shit...but I clearly have shit to do...so I bid you, o blogosphere, adieu!

So life has soem great, funny moments...

and they are best when shared with friends! As I sit here "studying" (by which I mean, watching tv and surfing the net), I =keep seeing this Target commercial and I love the song they played in it, it's called More Where That Came From by Dolly Parton...and it is hilarious. I have posted the video below!

The week from hell!!!

SO this was definitely not my week! I lost 100 dollars that I don't have and now need, I didn't even get the letter of recommendation for this organization I want to join, I didn't get a workstudy job, and to top it all off...My FUCKING Refund is still not here yet!! So what the FUCK am I to do?? I swear, things felt like they couldn't get worse, but, alas they did: my phone is technically out of service, but I can still get incoming communiques.

I am hating all of this drama! I just wanna go to class, eat some good food, watch some nice tv, and chillax on the weekends. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?? I am so over this place...this city sucks, and my school sucks ass most of the time!

I am about ready to fire these suckas on my e-board for the Af-Am Studies Club: this Tuesday will be our fourth "FIRST" general Body meeting...WTF?? I mean I have an e-board so that everything doesn't fall on one person! I mean I made the fliers, why the fuck can't you print them and post them, without me micro-managing shit?? I mean I told the VP to call an e-board meeting, this fool completely ignored me and I had to call it...if I'm doing it all, I'll do it all and get rid of the dead weight! The Treasurer is not doing shit that I ask him to, I need to put together a damn budget so that I can go get appropriations and this fool will not go meet with our adviser to figure out the shit to put on the paper...Just go sit down and write!! and then give the shit to the VP, and please go and get a damn Treasurer's report form the damn business office...not the same one that I gave you from MAY!!!

This rant is over...I am so worn out by this shit...and I'm about over it...if too much else goes wrong...I'm gonna need to go on the watch!!

Throwback Friday

I know I have been MIA and haven't really written anything, but soon, I promise!! In the meantime, listen to these throwbacks, I feel like these are inspirational (you be the judge).

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was a great! I mean it is actually the first time I can remember going each day of the weekend and not getting pissed at someone! I really had fun on Friday, with Upward Mobility, The Young Lady, and another friend, Naldo. We went to dinner and it was actually quite fun! and it's always fun to hang with fellow bloggers!! I got to speak to Drangry! I miss her dearly! I also spoke to Pink Blossoms and Dria da Diva! I can't wait to be reunited with these guys!! But back to Friday, I have realized I need sleep! I stayed up until 5:30 AM talking to Upward Mobility and Naldo...about nothing important! But I have come to appreciate being able to experience that sort fo thing, I mean we have come up with plans to take over the world...not just the city, but the World Craig(OOOPS! I mean reader), and it was quite fun!

I slept most of Saturday, When i did get up finally, it was to help the Artiste move into his new Apartment. And then to dinner, and then the Footbal game, whcih I'm happy to report, we won!! And then to the Bowling Alley! i bowled like 4, maybe 5 strikes, we only got up to 8 frames...i was pretty dang excited about those strikes!! And Lucky was trying to hate on my technique...WACK!! and then we went to Malpractice's Apartment, I really like his girlfriend...she is so nice!! But I still don't like being around him, b/c it makes me feel bad about how I act towards him. But I'm gonna try something new, just try to check my self...and keep our communication to a minimum, that way i don't have to worry about talking to him crazy!

I got up this morning and went to Church...it was amazing! and I should let you know why it was such a big deal, I have been questioning whther or not my personal values are in conflict with the values of the churches I have been attending, and whether that is reflective of the kinds of issues other folk go through when trying to reconcile progressive ideals with the inherently conservative(if nto regressive) tendencies of the Christian community. but I am trying to work thorugh it...pray for me!

It's Kinda Funny How Life Works...

I was sitting here reflecting on how much stuff has changed from when I first came to this school three years ago. I mean i had no friends, I was looking for a place to transfer to that would be closer to home. I had never had ginger ale before, I had never been to the South before, and I had never had to be without my family on Holidays.

Now I routinely drink ginger ale(usually mixed with other things, but it is good alone too!), I basic live in the South, I stay down here for at least 9 months of every 12, and I only spend three holidays with my family(Christmas, New Year's, and Memorial Day). I have sort of adopted a pseudo-family in my friends. I mean I spend more time with these sickos than I do with my actual family! I have grown to love folks that I loathed, I've had those falling-outs that all families have, and I have grown apart from some I was close to, and grown closer to some that i had distant relationships with at first. Things are changing, and I think all for the better.

I have been doing some introspection, and I have realized that I'm a horrible friend to Malpractice. I don't know exactly why, but I think it has ot do with jealousy(he is from a relatively wealthy family, and he's not a virgin; while I am from a poor family, and I am still a virgin). And since I'm such a bad friend to him, I feel even worse b/c his new girlfriend asked him if I was his best friend, and he said yes...I felt like shit!! And that just makes me dislike him more! I need help, btu really, he should just cut me loose, he shouldn't put up with this shit!

But on the other hand, Psych Ward and I have become like borthers, he confides in me and I in him. I think it may have something to do with our similar backgrounds, neither of us comes from money, and the current home situations aren't necessarily the best. But we are both determined to make it!

I think that this line of thinking, being mean and rude to the more well-off of my friends, and nicer, more caring to the less well-off among them, is a habit with me. I mean, IDK what is going on! I have some thinking to do, or maybe I should do some pruning, and cut folks out...btu that wouldn't solve anything, would it? I guess I have to do some soul searching...wish me luck.

What on earth is going on?

So I have been trying to get in touch with but Call me Felicia all damn
summer. Everytime I call it goes straight to voicemail. WTF?? I am kinda
worried about her, I really miss my buddy...do any of you guys know
what's up with her? If you hear from her, tell her I'm thinking about
her.

Update: FALSE Alarm...I just didn't get the text with the new number...b/c I was hab=ving phone issues back when it got changed....so move forward with your life, I am...lol
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

I'm definitely the best friend I know!

I'm currently in the Burbs on local highways heading to Meeks's school to drop some of her junk off for her move in tomorrow. I just wanna say, rural parts ain't my fave place in the world, and suburbs ain't much better. Why the bffs can't go to school in cities? RURAL places are prime places for LYNCHINGS...am I the only one that knows this? I need to get back to the Safety of the 'hood ASAP! Pray for me please y'all!


Updated 2:54 AM 8/6/2008:So as we leave, i realize that where Meeks's school is not in the rural parts, it is actually a nice little city. But the road there and back was hella rural! and why on earth did we commence to telling stories about ax murderers and the Texas Chainsaw man sitting on the side of the row...and Meeks decides to check the backseat and the trunk...AFTER we have been on the road for 20mins already...we would have already been dead! And I was wondering how I, the most vocal of the scary movie yellers(you know what I mean, yelling at the White girl to get the hell up and steadily saying, "see, that's why Black folks don't get into shit like this...we know where to go...and we know to stay off of back roads at night!") got into this scary movie type shit!!! Praise be to Gawd, we made it back to civilization!!

OMG, miscommunication is a bitch!!

So, I was supposed to have date tonight...needless to say I'm now sitting here blogging. UGH, so I call her and askw what time she wanna go...she is at the beauty shop...getting cute for our date TOMORROW!!! I told her I can't go tomorrow...lil' sis's bday party and I'm hosting...and it's an all-day BBQ, so I suggest later on that night...she has to work at 5...so...this is how married life is?? I'm not looking forward to it(I really am, but no this part of it). but I will be able to go out with the BFFs though..so I guess that's some consolation...if these mu'uhfuckahs don't make me kill them first!! I swear sometimes...I am the only sensible person I know! but at any rate....check out the sound clip(click the link) ...it is Vera and Benny going at it over his poor eyesight and her hunger, HILARIOUS!!!

Oh...and I need to pray for Upward Mobility...he's thinkng of turning to ho'ing to make ends meet...I don't think it's that deep...but I guess.

And the Girl with the Open Mind tried to chat with me today via video and voice on Yahoo Messenger...it was a bust..she could hear me, but I couldn't hear her... CRAZINESS.

BrighterDay, Indeed...

So I was looking at my financial info the Mommy called and told me, I was distraught because we still owed 2500 dollars. I was trying to figure out how to pay that. But Good news...i don't have to!! I was adding all the info up, and forgot to add in my external scholarship...not only do I not have to pay anything else, i get refund baby!!! I'm not sure how much the refund will be, but it will be something!! Why is all right with the world all of a sudden?? IDK, and I don't care why...because at this point the Lawd has brought me a BRIGHTER DAY! I just had to share that tidbit!! Have a great day, I will!

The Heart of the Matter

Well, I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately...you know trying to figure out what I can do to make sure things are going right in my life. I have been trying to figure out how I'm gonna deal with all of the things I have piled on to my plate, I need to work on planning to use my time more wisely...free time is my worst enemy I've decided. I feel so scatter-brained at times, because so many things are going through my mind at once. I used to worry about everything, but i find this strange sense of detachment to everything, sort of like I'm some spectator in someone else's life. I try to make it matter, but I can't help feeling that none of it matters anymore. I mean, I'm not like depressed, I just keep getting bored...with everything. I mean I really like DC, my office, and the program overall, and yet, I feel this sense of complete, and utter boredom about the daily grind. This is the reason I can't keep an exercise routine, doing the same thing everyday..or even seeing the same place is so UN-inspiring...I just lose the desire to do it anymore. i need to join a group or something, being on a team worked for me in high school. Its something I'll look into.

I've also been thinking about my relationship status: I wonder sometimes, why are we doing this, yet again? but then I talk to her or think about her and my day gets brighter. I'm so lost...I want her, but I sometimes wonder why...is it because I truly love her? is it because she is familiar? I do believe that I truly love her...but could that just be me trying to justify how I've treated her? IDK...I'm trying not to stress about it...but it just got harder not to think about it...she got her official acceptance to Sister School yesterday...I'm excited, and yet...I wonder how things will be when she is finally in the same town as me all the time.

Anyway, I have to tell y'all about this odd dream I had the other night, I answer my phone and it is my mother, she tells me my father has cancer...and its the final stages. I start crying as I try to buy a plane ticket home, I finally get home...I'm guessing I've been crying this whole time, b/c I'm next in the house and it's just Helly-belly lying on the bed crying...so I go pick her up and find Ryphat and Rae-rae, they both look like they haven't stopped crying in several days, there aren't anymore tears left...just dry sobbing...and then my mother wheels my dad out into the room with us...and he just looks so pitiful...he has all kinds of like scars and bruises...and he just doesn't look like the giant I grew up looking up at...I just started crying again...but literally sobbing...and just as he speaks I guess I was starting to cry for real...because I made some sound that woke me up...I stayed up the rest of the day...and I could feel the tears well up as I wrote this...so at this point I gotta go....a brighter note later on...I'm gonna call my dad, and tell him that I was thinking about him...and that I love him...you should too!! :')



India.arie - The Heart Of The Matter lyrics

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
[ The Heart Of The Matter lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

...

I had a weekend. I touched base with a few folks I know in DC, I talked to Upawrd Mobility about what's going on in our respective lives. I talked with Gram...she just doesn't understand that I cannot live on $500 for 9 weeks! It takes about $25 oer week to travel between the room and work, and then I have to buy groceries and more than likely, I'll be buying those in the city limits, but I may go to PG County to get stuff that ain't dairy-based, like bread and meat and stiff...the ride is like 45 mins, so that stuff should be fine...it's a little cheaper than in the city. I went to K&G and got 4 shirts and 2 ties, of course it was reasonably priced. I think I'm gonna get a pair of blue slacks, and a navy blazer and then not buy anymore clothes until after summer. and I think Imma buy a tv and then pawn it before I leave, I can't take it anymore!!! I don't see how the Artist does it with no TV..I'm ready to jump...and it shouldn't be that deep!!! (but it is, and that ain't the focus today!!) I have been trying to be social(read: walking across a burning barrier to meet new people), and most of the people I talk to are very nice, but there is this group of rude SC Students...no names...but they are rude!!! I was very much channeling Upward Mobility today, I woke up this morning and did laundry and ironed, I have one shirt left, I'm gonna try to iron it before i go to bed. I talked to Artsy-Fartsy(secretly, I'm jealous that she is in ROME!!) but I'm so happy she is having fun!! I kinda feel bad(-ish) for Animal Lover...she is the only one back home, but I know she'll do fine. I have decided that Imma get another tat when i get home, so when I get back to da 'House, I will be the proud owner of at least one more tat, I might get two more...we'll see. I wanna pump this iron, so I can get my chest tattoo. we'll see my progress at the end of the summer, I will only get it if I have a pectoral and not a boob!!! and the last 2 weeks I've decided to grow my hair back out and get it twisted a few times before I head back to ATL. Imma lock it up this year, since there is nothing holding me back!! I talked to The Otha Motha yesterday, she is gonna be moving this week and she said I can stay with her and Milkman's Daughter(b/c she is definitely White, but it's like she is the long lost cousin that the milkman sired...random, I know)!! I can't wait. y'all...the Dash is out of commission, I have reverted back to the RAZR...and I hate it, but I want an Ipod and a Digital Camera, so I have to prioritize. I'll probably put off a new phone until after I buy books in July/August...until next time...leave a comment and watch the video...I love this song!!

The Lord Has Been Kind...and Soooo Wonderful!!

Today was crazy y'all!! I got up at the butt crack of dawn and went to the Capitol. We were toured by an intern from the Hon. Eleanor Holmes Norton's office(she is the non-voting delegate from DC), if you haven't seen it you need too!! and all of this stuff is free!! My legs and feet are aching so bad, we were walking for hours!! and I walked more than most other people, I woke up early and thought i was late and went to the Capitol an hour and a half early...so I just had to walk around for the time until the rest of the interns came over.

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown today y'all, I had no money!! I didn't even have money to pay my fare back to the room from Capitol Hill!! But I called on the family and as usual, they came through BIG TIME!!! They gave me their last just so that i could make it for the rest of the week!! OMG!!! What would I do without these people who love me??? I would definitely perish, or maybe I would just learn to make due without things(I'm gonna go with perishing, but one never knows until one is in the situation). Any way, they put money in my account, which allowed me to continue with the travel associated with the internship orientation!! I, of course, got lost once again trying to get to the lunch from the National Museum of African Art! I went the wrong way on the train and arrived 30 minutes late...y'all...this can't happen again!! and tomorrow it won't; we don't have to be anywhere until 12:00 PM!!! I will sleep until 9!!! YAY!!!

and I did what I have been dying to do ever since the sun began to warm our part of the earth in March: SWIMMMMMMIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!(read with Oprah's Voice) It was wonderful!! and it felt good on my aching legs and feet. But I did realize, i can't swim!! I will re-learn this summer. I found out by jumping into the twelve feet deep end and being terrified!! I scrambled to the surface and clung to the wall until I reached the 5 ft. section...lol but I will be able to jump into the deepest part and not wig out by July 26, 2008. I am also trying to do some kind of exercise daily. Does swimming count as cardio??? I'm going to lift today, after a nice 20 min cardio session!! and then I will finish my work out with another 20 minute cool down cardio session...see Lucky-in-life?? I can take advice too!!! incorporating cardio into my workout!! and I have been doing good!! I haven't been eating the fast food folks have been offering!! I am really trying to be good!! i even wake up and eat breakfast(which I despise, by the time lunch comes, I am beyond ravenous...I feel as though my stomach is eating itself!! and I did it again today y'all, I went and talked with a group of practical strangers!!! i am trying to build some sort of relationship with folks other than my roommate, but I really hate trying to get to know new people, especiall college students...all of these folks are party animals, and that is definitely not me...but, I digress. But I am working to improve myself...I of course cracked folks up today, folks were asking where I was, btu the were asking me...let me explain: I came to DC with a mini afro, I met them with that hair...now I am practically bald!! and they were like oh, did we leave the bo with the fro and the glasses??(I had on contacts) I was like no, I'm here. They all like dang!! Forreal??? I said "Yeah(sounding like Karla), I do it for dramatic effect..." and then everyone just started crackin' up!!

But anyway, read the poem, comment, update your blog, and head on over to going down in flames...I updated it yesterday and am about to do so again before I go work out.

Family

© Antony Smith

Family is, heaven sent from our father above, bonded by the power of love.
No matter what family has each others back,
when push comes to shove.
Family is, understanding, never demanding, all for one and one for all, I will never leave you alone standing.
Family is, one in itself, my love is your love, your pain is my pain, my wealth is your
wealth, I promise to never leave you by yourself.
Family is, the strongest team, the strongest unit; if love could be visualized, family
would be the blue print.
Family is, forgiveness and patience, it's sweeter than the sweetest fragrance, the
power of family is a reflection of Gods compassion and magnificence.
Family is, never turning our back, and never shames, lend my helping hand and not a finger pointing the blame.
No matter what a family bond can never be broken, even through a nuclear explosion,
if one of us lives we all live. Forever to eternity, we are family, my father, my mother,
my sisters and me.

Antony-Tyrone Smith
AKA
Pen Dragon

MOnday, Monday...

Monday was a cool day, I finally went to the park!!! I love the park...it was nice to hang with Helly-Belly, Meeks, LC, and Ty-P!! We just chllaxed for a few hours, then went to Uno's Pizzeria...it was da' bomb!!! It was fun though!! and after that we dropped Helly-Belly back off with Momma...and then went to see "Baby Mama," go see that!! Then I received a phone call from my Buddy Shonda(she lives in NC, and goes A&T, so I never get to see her!!!) and she picked me and our other buddy Rae Etoile up and we went to Sonic(and no I didn't eat!! I've been doing so much better y'all!!!) I just had a shake, but, let me explain, I haven't had any kinda Ice cream cake things in a while. We talked for hours, they wanna come down and see Spel-House Homecoming, but the are really trying to come down for their fall break, I'm starting to get upset at these fall break things...we need one!!! but overall Monday was cool, laid back, and fun!! I'm starting to dread leaving!! Sunday is so close now!! My family is gonna BBQ on Saturday instead of Monday since I won't be in town for any the good family BBQs!!! Don't you just love family?? oh and I'm trying to find a study abroad program for spring 2009...look some stuff up, and let me know y'all!!!

This song isn't how my Monday felt, but this is how most of them are!!

The Arts...How I adore thee!!

Today was a pretty chill day, I woke up at around 12:00. My Best Friend called me and said get ready, we went to the museum(amazing!!!!) and then I came home and helped Gram in the yard with her plantings. I then called the BFF back and we went to see 21, go see it...it was worth it!!! and we got to hang out with Helly-Belly!!! Gram cooked salmon croquets and creamed peas!!! and just like The Girl with the Open Mind, I had the lady at Chipotle stir my ingredients...simply irresistible!!!! But off to bed people, gotta buy a plane ticket to DC, and help Meeks with her FAFSA!! I also got a friend request from some chick that will be in DC with me this summer, weird...I don't know how she knows...but anyway...goodnight kiddies!!! No poem or song today, getting sleepy, maybe two tomorrow!!!

God Has Smiled on Me...

Today I found out that I I did indeed pass Race and Law!! And Dr. B accepted my numerous excuses and decided to pass me. I took another final, turned in some extra credit and now I am one exam from being a JUNIOR!!! I learned today that I will not be inducted into Ankh Ma'at Wedjau next year!!! If I was a drinker...I'd probably drown these sorrows!! But on the bright side, this is the last night I will spend in the Tenth Circle of Dante's Inferno!!! I cannot wait for this horrid stay to be over. Overall this week has moved weirdly slow, yet swiftly...my finals came up fast, but after I take exams the days seem to drag on...too bad that won't be the case tomorrow, what with packing and everything to do before I get on this Airtran Flight!! I am relieved that it is over! Yet, I have this odd apprehension about what new experiences await me in DC this summer and even at home this summer for the 2 two-week sessions I'll spend there. It feels like I have known Known all of these folks my whole life: Uppity Negro, Lucky-in-Life, Feminist Theory, Chaos-n-Motion, Malpractice, the Artiste, but Call me Felicia, Psych Ward, Upward Mobility and The Girl with the Open Mind. It will be so odd to not be calling y'all to come and visit at the Tenth Circle of Dante's Inferno!! lol...this has been some semester!!! I am looking forward to discussing all the different phases of this crazy, outrageous journey!!!

God Has Smiled On Me

Chorus: 
God has smiled on me, 
He has set me free. 
God has smiled on me, 
He's been good to me. 

Verse 1: 
He is the source of all my joy, 
He fills me with His love. 
Everything that I need, 
He sends it down from above. 

Verse 2: 
A light unto my path is He, 
Without Him I would fall. 
I don't know what He is to you, 
But to me He's my all and all. 

--James Cleveland

The Last Full week as a Sophomore...its ending so fast!!

I am watching Divine Design on HGTV...on a Friday night(pathetic, I know) currently listening to "Feel Good Inc." by the Gorillaz, a song I fell in love with in High School!!! I can't believe how long I have been out of High school!! I sometimes look at my yearbooks and laugh about the craziness that was my journey through LCPA! I remember the first time I walked into the JROTC room, my cousin Josh had just talked ot me about joining JROTC. I was of course drawn to it by the opportunity to win medals and the shoulder cords(we all know I'm a sucker for pomp and circumstance!). I also remember the first time I skipped school:senior year, was hungry and grabbed two friends and we decided to go to Chili's! We had a blast (except for the fact that my car was dying, I had to press the gas and the brake at the same time to keep it form shutting off at a light!!)! I also remember all of those dances: JROTC Ball (went four times, and each year hoped that my name would be listed on the program[Senior year it was :)]), JR YR Prom, and of course Senior Prom!! I really learned to enjoy myself at those balls, they really gave me a chance to be a different version of myself: a more outgoing, personable Bobby_2010, and secretly I loved every minute of it. I am trying to make that version of Bobby_2010 the permanent version! I have actually worked on becoming more outgoing, b/c I am a great person and I have no reason to have this aversion to people. I am trying to allow myself to be more open to people, I have realized that the mask I created to keep from being hurt by kids that wanted to tease me for being the fat kid has ceased being a mask and has become my true public face. I realized that there are people that will hurt me, but there are so many more people that would help me and support me. I have also learned that to be hurt is to be human, and human is all that I need to be! As Girl with the open mind would say, if God be for me WHO can be against me?? I'm learning to let go and let God!

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

--Paul Laurence Dunbar