Aaaahhhh the Memories...

Yesterday was awesome! We (Lucky-in-life, Upward Mobility, and Psych Ward, and I) were sitting in my dorm room just talking and some how, we started to reminisce about the joys of being a child

-like when you watched Face on Nick, Jr.
- Leon on the Puzzle Place, why give the black guy such a black-sounding name?? I loved it though!
-Alegra's Window, Gullah Gullah Island, Eureka's Castle, Barney, C-bear and Jamal, and countless others
-Geography
-Becoming the geniuses we are now, better let your (future) children read encyclopedias, then they might one day get our level...lol
-Those WONDERFUL books from childhood: Corduroy, Peter Rabbit,Where the Wild Things Are, and countless others
-My favorite books from childhood were often in Spanish, since I went to Spanish Magnets for most of my elementary education, but here's some of the English ones: Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs, Kat Kong, Dogzilla, Ralph S. Mouse: The Mouse and the Motorcycle...and especially Romona Quimby, Age 8
-Then laughing at the drama that seemed so large in high school, and now it makes you laugh because those would be great problems to have right now!
-reflecting on how it is still asking a lot to have to write a paper over a page...5 pages is still a daunting task...and I'm trying to go to law school...I need to get over this!!
-It's also so weird that after this year...I won't know anyone at my old schools...isn't that crazy?? I have known folks the graduating class of 2000...now I won't know any AT ALL...WILD!!!

(Contented sigh) to Be able to go back for just a day with this knowledge intact...how odd things would be!

Did I Miss Something...a Memo Maybe?

I just do not understand why people think it's okay to question my faith. I mean, I expect it from some people, like my married friend, my grandmother, and my uncle that is a deacon. But from my BFF? I mean, I expected that even if you didn't agree with my views, you would still respect ME enough to discuss them without making charges that I'm lukewarm in my beliefs. I mean, I try to base my beliefs off what I read in the Bible, with my own eyes. I am also an American, so I truly believe in a separation of church and state. i believe that our Constitution was meant to protect the minority from the whims of the majority. I do NOT see any issue with this. I feel that as a Christian, fighting for HUMAN RIGHTS is a major part of why I am here. I also believe that the government should not be allowing the whims of "religious" hate mongers to prevent certain groups from participating in CIVIL ceremonies. I would never try to force a church to perform a gay wedding, I would never force a racist to perform an interracial wedding, but I DO expect officials to uphold the US Constitution and allow persons to exercise their UNALIENABLE rights, despite how I, or anyone feels about it. I feel that I am following in the footsteps of Christ when I stand up for those that are abused by members of our society that happen to be in the mainstream. Jesus hung out with the hated tax collectors, and at least one unclean woman.

I do not see why there is an issue with my questioning the things that do not make sense to me. But I guess because I try to get other perspectives on my questions some folks take it as the only reason I read is so that I can have more ammo to go against the "FAITH." it's not like that, I mean I read the Bible and there are some things that are at perfect peace with my heart, and there are others that are not. I feel that since I have been created with this mind, I can question things until they are explained in a satisfactory way. I'm so over it...this whole "religion" thing...I just wanna do me...why can't other folks just let me alone??

I'm sorry to ramble, but I had to put this out here so I could see it and get my words together before I attempt to go and make nice with my BFF...

WHY is this my life?

I am swamped with school, I just thought of a topic for my paper that is due on thursday(after weeks spent looking through sources), I am so BROKE...but Friday is pay day. and this is the final full week fo school, so I have a couple of weeks to get my life together and eeek out an acceptable GPA!

In other HORRID news, I failed a course required for my major, I withdrew, so it's no problem of bringing down my GPA but, and here's the kicker, I have to take 15 hours each semester to keep my scholarship...I'm only taking 12 hours now...but if i had stayed in the class and failed I would've been in worse condition...so WHAT am I TO DO?? Can't really stress about it now.

Also, I think I may be in trouble as far as grades go anyway, because of my spotty attendance! I REALLY HATE GOING TO THIS TINY SCHOOL at times! why do we have to have attendance policies? if I don't feel like going to class that should be my prerogative!

but other than that, life is great! lol, I can't even take myself seriously saying this....since this is my life...and it's SCREWED up...my life is, in essence, screwed up! HELP ME!!!

Sometimes

This is inspired by a post I saw on The Baby Daddy Diaries.

Sometimes...I feel like a nut.
Sometimes...I don't.
Sometimes...I just wanna quit.
Sometimes...I wanna cry.
Sometimes...it's too hard.
Sometimes...I just have to laugh at it.
Sometimes...I wonder why.
Sometimes...I don't feel like answering the phone.
Sometimes...I just don't care.
Sometimes...I get sick of everyone.
Sometimes...I get sick of everything.
Sometimes...I want to be alone.
Sometimes...I'm overjoyed!
Sometimes...I need you around.
Sometimes...I feel undeserving of the blessings.
Sometimes...I just need to be myself.
Sometimes...I need to realize my own limits.
Sometimes...I care entirely too much.
Sometimes...I long for the days when I was carefree.
Sometimes...I smile for no (apparent) reason.
Sometimes...I need help.
Sometimes...I want to give up and go home.
Sometimes...I feel like a failure.
Sometimes...I feel so LOST!
Sometimes...i pray it through.
Sometimes...I feel so confused.
Sometimes...I feel like me...a blogger called Bobby_2010...

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was a great! I mean it is actually the first time I can remember going each day of the weekend and not getting pissed at someone! I really had fun on Friday, with Upward Mobility, The Young Lady, and another friend, Naldo. We went to dinner and it was actually quite fun! and it's always fun to hang with fellow bloggers!! I got to speak to Drangry! I miss her dearly! I also spoke to Pink Blossoms and Dria da Diva! I can't wait to be reunited with these guys!! But back to Friday, I have realized I need sleep! I stayed up until 5:30 AM talking to Upward Mobility and Naldo...about nothing important! But I have come to appreciate being able to experience that sort fo thing, I mean we have come up with plans to take over the world...not just the city, but the World Craig(OOOPS! I mean reader), and it was quite fun!

I slept most of Saturday, When i did get up finally, it was to help the Artiste move into his new Apartment. And then to dinner, and then the Footbal game, whcih I'm happy to report, we won!! And then to the Bowling Alley! i bowled like 4, maybe 5 strikes, we only got up to 8 frames...i was pretty dang excited about those strikes!! And Lucky was trying to hate on my technique...WACK!! and then we went to Malpractice's Apartment, I really like his girlfriend...she is so nice!! But I still don't like being around him, b/c it makes me feel bad about how I act towards him. But I'm gonna try something new, just try to check my self...and keep our communication to a minimum, that way i don't have to worry about talking to him crazy!

I got up this morning and went to Church...it was amazing! and I should let you know why it was such a big deal, I have been questioning whther or not my personal values are in conflict with the values of the churches I have been attending, and whether that is reflective of the kinds of issues other folk go through when trying to reconcile progressive ideals with the inherently conservative(if nto regressive) tendencies of the Christian community. but I am trying to work thorugh it...pray for me!

It's Kinda Funny How Life Works...

I was sitting here reflecting on how much stuff has changed from when I first came to this school three years ago. I mean i had no friends, I was looking for a place to transfer to that would be closer to home. I had never had ginger ale before, I had never been to the South before, and I had never had to be without my family on Holidays.

Now I routinely drink ginger ale(usually mixed with other things, but it is good alone too!), I basic live in the South, I stay down here for at least 9 months of every 12, and I only spend three holidays with my family(Christmas, New Year's, and Memorial Day). I have sort of adopted a pseudo-family in my friends. I mean I spend more time with these sickos than I do with my actual family! I have grown to love folks that I loathed, I've had those falling-outs that all families have, and I have grown apart from some I was close to, and grown closer to some that i had distant relationships with at first. Things are changing, and I think all for the better.

I have been doing some introspection, and I have realized that I'm a horrible friend to Malpractice. I don't know exactly why, but I think it has ot do with jealousy(he is from a relatively wealthy family, and he's not a virgin; while I am from a poor family, and I am still a virgin). And since I'm such a bad friend to him, I feel even worse b/c his new girlfriend asked him if I was his best friend, and he said yes...I felt like shit!! And that just makes me dislike him more! I need help, btu really, he should just cut me loose, he shouldn't put up with this shit!

But on the other hand, Psych Ward and I have become like borthers, he confides in me and I in him. I think it may have something to do with our similar backgrounds, neither of us comes from money, and the current home situations aren't necessarily the best. But we are both determined to make it!

I think that this line of thinking, being mean and rude to the more well-off of my friends, and nicer, more caring to the less well-off among them, is a habit with me. I mean, IDK what is going on! I have some thinking to do, or maybe I should do some pruning, and cut folks out...btu that wouldn't solve anything, would it? I guess I have to do some soul searching...wish me luck.

It's not so bad...

So, I'm basically alone in my hometown. I mean I have my family, but SHE is gone, as are all of my friends except for like one or two...and they are leaving in the next few days...so I have a whole WEEK left at home and nothing to do except go to breakfast with one of my high school classmates.

So I'm trying not to be upset that SHE is gone, because I mean she's going to the same place that I'll be in next Saturday, but HELL I wish she could've just left when I left! I guess she didn't really have a choice since she transfered to the Sister School and has to go to orientation. But I mean things are gonna get a lot better once I get down there, then we will not have all of the distractions and intruders that we have at home. Also, from now on SHE will be known as Ms. (im)Perfection. This is because her imperfections and eccentricities are what make us so compatible, and also kinda volatile. I helped her pack her truck today so she can drive down in the morning...well I guess to drive down in a few ours...I wish I could go with her, but my dorm does NOT open until the 24th...so I have nowhere to stay...and her momma ain't having that Bobby_2010 stay in the same hotel room thing. Also, her grandma, who loves me, threatened to come down to where we go to school and shoot up the entire city if I don't take care of Ms. (im)Perfection! And the crazy thing is, I kinda believe her! (Shivers, and teeth chatter)

Back to this friend that will still be here after all the others leave. He goes t the local university, and we met in 8th grade. Now I truly consider(ed?) him a friend, but this will be the first time I have ever hung out with him outside of a school function, a HIGH school function...I graduated three years ago. I mean...WTF is that about?? Anyway, I guess we are rectifying this...but it seems odd to me.I can't even imagine what the convo will be about as we eat breakfast...but I'm trying to come up with talking points, here are a few

• college life so far
• activities this summer
• career aspirations
  
• the presidential race (to my dear friends from school, and Sister School, he is a poli sci major, so this is appropriate)
• and that's about it...any ideas would be appreciated!

And tomorrow, I am supposed to go to breakfast with one of my friends from High school, DJ Hizway, he is a gospel rapper(is that the correct term??). He also serves as one of my principal spiritual advisers when i can't think of where to find some info. The thing is, when i first met him I hated him...and this was middle school. Then as high school went on, we had classes together and he was friends with one of my fave buds, so he sat by us. Then he got saved and shared his testimony with us, and this cemented our friendship. And we hang out every time he comes down to where I go to school, and whenever I go home(if he's in town). I must admit, he actually inspires me to do better...especially with my HORRID language! I mean he came to visit me and I think every other word was FUCK!!!! even when we were speaking about religious matters! that is when i started trying to curb my cussin'. (Now, please believe, that is still my word...but it doesn't have to be said constantly, right??)

goodnight, or morning?? I must sleep some before going to this breakfast!

enjoy the video below...I thought it was appropriate!

OMG, miscommunication is a bitch!!

So, I was supposed to have date tonight...needless to say I'm now sitting here blogging. UGH, so I call her and askw what time she wanna go...she is at the beauty shop...getting cute for our date TOMORROW!!! I told her I can't go tomorrow...lil' sis's bday party and I'm hosting...and it's an all-day BBQ, so I suggest later on that night...she has to work at 5...so...this is how married life is?? I'm not looking forward to it(I really am, but no this part of it). but I will be able to go out with the BFFs though..so I guess that's some consolation...if these mu'uhfuckahs don't make me kill them first!! I swear sometimes...I am the only sensible person I know! but at any rate....check out the sound clip(click the link) ...it is Vera and Benny going at it over his poor eyesight and her hunger, HILARIOUS!!!

Oh...and I need to pray for Upward Mobility...he's thinkng of turning to ho'ing to make ends meet...I don't think it's that deep...but I guess.

And the Girl with the Open Mind tried to chat with me today via video and voice on Yahoo Messenger...it was a bust..she could hear me, but I couldn't hear her... CRAZINESS.

The Lord Has Been Kind...and Soooo Wonderful!!

Today was crazy y'all!! I got up at the butt crack of dawn and went to the Capitol. We were toured by an intern from the Hon. Eleanor Holmes Norton's office(she is the non-voting delegate from DC), if you haven't seen it you need too!! and all of this stuff is free!! My legs and feet are aching so bad, we were walking for hours!! and I walked more than most other people, I woke up early and thought i was late and went to the Capitol an hour and a half early...so I just had to walk around for the time until the rest of the interns came over.

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown today y'all, I had no money!! I didn't even have money to pay my fare back to the room from Capitol Hill!! But I called on the family and as usual, they came through BIG TIME!!! They gave me their last just so that i could make it for the rest of the week!! OMG!!! What would I do without these people who love me??? I would definitely perish, or maybe I would just learn to make due without things(I'm gonna go with perishing, but one never knows until one is in the situation). Any way, they put money in my account, which allowed me to continue with the travel associated with the internship orientation!! I, of course, got lost once again trying to get to the lunch from the National Museum of African Art! I went the wrong way on the train and arrived 30 minutes late...y'all...this can't happen again!! and tomorrow it won't; we don't have to be anywhere until 12:00 PM!!! I will sleep until 9!!! YAY!!!

and I did what I have been dying to do ever since the sun began to warm our part of the earth in March: SWIMMMMMMIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!(read with Oprah's Voice) It was wonderful!! and it felt good on my aching legs and feet. But I did realize, i can't swim!! I will re-learn this summer. I found out by jumping into the twelve feet deep end and being terrified!! I scrambled to the surface and clung to the wall until I reached the 5 ft. section...lol but I will be able to jump into the deepest part and not wig out by July 26, 2008. I am also trying to do some kind of exercise daily. Does swimming count as cardio??? I'm going to lift today, after a nice 20 min cardio session!! and then I will finish my work out with another 20 minute cool down cardio session...see Lucky-in-life?? I can take advice too!!! incorporating cardio into my workout!! and I have been doing good!! I haven't been eating the fast food folks have been offering!! I am really trying to be good!! i even wake up and eat breakfast(which I despise, by the time lunch comes, I am beyond ravenous...I feel as though my stomach is eating itself!! and I did it again today y'all, I went and talked with a group of practical strangers!!! i am trying to build some sort of relationship with folks other than my roommate, but I really hate trying to get to know new people, especiall college students...all of these folks are party animals, and that is definitely not me...but, I digress. But I am working to improve myself...I of course cracked folks up today, folks were asking where I was, btu the were asking me...let me explain: I came to DC with a mini afro, I met them with that hair...now I am practically bald!! and they were like oh, did we leave the bo with the fro and the glasses??(I had on contacts) I was like no, I'm here. They all like dang!! Forreal??? I said "Yeah(sounding like Karla), I do it for dramatic effect..." and then everyone just started crackin' up!!

But anyway, read the poem, comment, update your blog, and head on over to going down in flames...I updated it yesterday and am about to do so again before I go work out.

Family

© Antony Smith

Family is, heaven sent from our father above, bonded by the power of love.
No matter what family has each others back,
when push comes to shove.
Family is, understanding, never demanding, all for one and one for all, I will never leave you alone standing.
Family is, one in itself, my love is your love, your pain is my pain, my wealth is your
wealth, I promise to never leave you by yourself.
Family is, the strongest team, the strongest unit; if love could be visualized, family
would be the blue print.
Family is, forgiveness and patience, it's sweeter than the sweetest fragrance, the
power of family is a reflection of Gods compassion and magnificence.
Family is, never turning our back, and never shames, lend my helping hand and not a finger pointing the blame.
No matter what a family bond can never be broken, even through a nuclear explosion,
if one of us lives we all live. Forever to eternity, we are family, my father, my mother,
my sisters and me.

Antony-Tyrone Smith
AKA
Pen Dragon

MOnday, Monday...

Monday was a cool day, I finally went to the park!!! I love the park...it was nice to hang with Helly-Belly, Meeks, LC, and Ty-P!! We just chllaxed for a few hours, then went to Uno's Pizzeria...it was da' bomb!!! It was fun though!! and after that we dropped Helly-Belly back off with Momma...and then went to see "Baby Mama," go see that!! Then I received a phone call from my Buddy Shonda(she lives in NC, and goes A&T, so I never get to see her!!!) and she picked me and our other buddy Rae Etoile up and we went to Sonic(and no I didn't eat!! I've been doing so much better y'all!!!) I just had a shake, but, let me explain, I haven't had any kinda Ice cream cake things in a while. We talked for hours, they wanna come down and see Spel-House Homecoming, but the are really trying to come down for their fall break, I'm starting to get upset at these fall break things...we need one!!! but overall Monday was cool, laid back, and fun!! I'm starting to dread leaving!! Sunday is so close now!! My family is gonna BBQ on Saturday instead of Monday since I won't be in town for any the good family BBQs!!! Don't you just love family?? oh and I'm trying to find a study abroad program for spring 2009...look some stuff up, and let me know y'all!!!

This song isn't how my Monday felt, but this is how most of them are!!

God Has Smiled on Me...

Today I found out that I I did indeed pass Race and Law!! And Dr. B accepted my numerous excuses and decided to pass me. I took another final, turned in some extra credit and now I am one exam from being a JUNIOR!!! I learned today that I will not be inducted into Ankh Ma'at Wedjau next year!!! If I was a drinker...I'd probably drown these sorrows!! But on the bright side, this is the last night I will spend in the Tenth Circle of Dante's Inferno!!! I cannot wait for this horrid stay to be over. Overall this week has moved weirdly slow, yet swiftly...my finals came up fast, but after I take exams the days seem to drag on...too bad that won't be the case tomorrow, what with packing and everything to do before I get on this Airtran Flight!! I am relieved that it is over! Yet, I have this odd apprehension about what new experiences await me in DC this summer and even at home this summer for the 2 two-week sessions I'll spend there. It feels like I have known Known all of these folks my whole life: Uppity Negro, Lucky-in-Life, Feminist Theory, Chaos-n-Motion, Malpractice, the Artiste, but Call me Felicia, Psych Ward, Upward Mobility and The Girl with the Open Mind. It will be so odd to not be calling y'all to come and visit at the Tenth Circle of Dante's Inferno!! lol...this has been some semester!!! I am looking forward to discussing all the different phases of this crazy, outrageous journey!!!

God Has Smiled On Me

Chorus: 
God has smiled on me, 
He has set me free. 
God has smiled on me, 
He's been good to me. 

Verse 1: 
He is the source of all my joy, 
He fills me with His love. 
Everything that I need, 
He sends it down from above. 

Verse 2: 
A light unto my path is He, 
Without Him I would fall. 
I don't know what He is to you, 
But to me He's my all and all. 

--James Cleveland

The Last Full week as a Sophomore...its ending so fast!!

I am watching Divine Design on HGTV...on a Friday night(pathetic, I know) currently listening to "Feel Good Inc." by the Gorillaz, a song I fell in love with in High School!!! I can't believe how long I have been out of High school!! I sometimes look at my yearbooks and laugh about the craziness that was my journey through LCPA! I remember the first time I walked into the JROTC room, my cousin Josh had just talked ot me about joining JROTC. I was of course drawn to it by the opportunity to win medals and the shoulder cords(we all know I'm a sucker for pomp and circumstance!). I also remember the first time I skipped school:senior year, was hungry and grabbed two friends and we decided to go to Chili's! We had a blast (except for the fact that my car was dying, I had to press the gas and the brake at the same time to keep it form shutting off at a light!!)! I also remember all of those dances: JROTC Ball (went four times, and each year hoped that my name would be listed on the program[Senior year it was :)]), JR YR Prom, and of course Senior Prom!! I really learned to enjoy myself at those balls, they really gave me a chance to be a different version of myself: a more outgoing, personable Bobby_2010, and secretly I loved every minute of it. I am trying to make that version of Bobby_2010 the permanent version! I have actually worked on becoming more outgoing, b/c I am a great person and I have no reason to have this aversion to people. I am trying to allow myself to be more open to people, I have realized that the mask I created to keep from being hurt by kids that wanted to tease me for being the fat kid has ceased being a mask and has become my true public face. I realized that there are people that will hurt me, but there are so many more people that would help me and support me. I have also learned that to be hurt is to be human, and human is all that I need to be! As Girl with the open mind would say, if God be for me WHO can be against me?? I'm learning to let go and let God!

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

--Paul Laurence Dunbar